I don’t know how to date. This has come to my attention in recent weeks, months, or more specifically, the last 15 years or so. Every relationship I’ve ever had, I’ve just sort of fallen into where dating wasn’t really part of the equation. I always thought I was lucky in this regard, but I no longer feel that way.
To me, dating is the worst. I do not care for it at all. And to be honest, most first dates rarely end up in a second, because I’m wonky and my social skills are definitely a bit questionable. Getting through a date is more stressful for me than fun; in fact, I find I’m more relaxed when I go to the gynecologist.
Recently, I went out with a gentleman caller. He was a friend of a friend. I was forced into it as some sort of distraction for a recent falling out with an on-again, off-again love interest who ended up falling so below par that being with him became heartbreaking and disappointing.
I had tried to emotionally prepare myself for the date (read: had a martini and a Xanax before heading out the door), and had also cried out any possible tears that might pop out later in the evening, as I am a bit on the emotional side lately. I had also gone to the effort of putting on lipstick and even shaved my legs right before just in case things got hot and heavy. I’ll actually admit my reason for going on the date was more to hoping to get laid than find some lasting sort of relationship. This, I fear, is the boy in me.
The martini and Xanax were a bad idea, of course. Halfway through the dinner, I proceeded to tell my date that I didn’t know how to date, that I hated dating and that I didn’t care to go through the process of ever getting to know anyone because I already knew everyone I wanted to know except for
Ryan Gosling . Furthermore he, my date, should know that I already met my soulmate, and although he was probably drunk in a gutter somewhere in Bushwick, as I spoke those words, someday, it was going to make sense and said soulmate and I were going to get our shit together and it was going to be perfect in a fantasy world with pink unicorns and bunnies named Fred. Yes, that’s what I told my date in a round about way. I have not heard from him since.
Of course this makes perfect sense, because had someone told me some malarkey about pink unicorns and bunnies named Fred, I, too, would avoid them like the plague, and I like those things.
So I went home and had a moment similar to the one
Annette Bening had in American Beauty – the one where she cries and smacks herself to stop being such a baby. I didn’t smack myself with my hand, but rather with words. And in the moment I was forced to recall the so many first dates I’ve been on, and all the reasons they never resulted in a second. Granted, 70% of the time the choice to not have a second date was mine because I have obscenely unrealistic standards and again live in a fantasy world where everything is perfect. However, that 30% was not in my control. I had literally lost the chance for another chance for the same reason I had with my most recent suitor: I just don’t know how to date.
I don’t know how to make small talk and have it involve into topics more interesting. I don’t care to ask questions or even offer up any information about myself. I don’t try to be charming, because it seems like such a waste since I’ve convinced myself that there are only three people who have ever existed for me in the history of the world and two are dead – F.
Scott Fitzgerald and Henry Miller – and the other is drunk in a gutter in Bushwick. I am absolutely completely closed off and by most accounts a curmudgeon. Women my age should not be this way so early in the game, but I am. This does not make me innovative or even a maverick; it makes me a narrow-minded asshole. Someone please tell me why there isn’t a class out there I could take to remedy this issue, or at least teach me how to be more relatable to the opposite sex so there is the slightest hope of eventually procreating with someone, anyone.
This weekend, I’m going to try this dating thing again. Once again, a friend is setting me up. I have already decided there will be no pre-gaming in my apartment, no mention of my soulmate – although he is, FYI – nor will I bring up anything about mythical animals or my disappointment in the whole dating process. No, instead I will do what they do in the movies and smile a lot. I will laugh at jokes that aren’t funny and put my wonky ways on hold for the evening if only to prove to myself that I can get to a second date and maybe even a third or fourth. Although to be honest, a don’t see a fifth one happening… by then I will have unleashed the real me and that takes a certain breed to be able to handle that level of madness, er, uniqueness.
Here’s hoping it’s just a “not enough practice” thing as opposed to a “missing the dating gene” thing, but I guess only time will tell.
Maci had the giggles & loved being the center of Grandma's attention. The evening was all about her & she didn't have to share her Grandma with any other children!
WOO HOO!!! Fancy Nancy Tea Party book to go along with an adorable Tea Cart & Tea Set. The tea set Maci can paint to create her own fancy design!! 
Maci loved her birthday card from Uncle Craig & Ms. Jessica. She said the girl on the front was her!
Uncle Craig & Ms. Jessica came over to visit us at Grandma Marty's. They brought along an early birthday present. Maci was thrilled to receive a fairy princess Barbie (that she likes to play with in the tub) and the newest Olivia take Ballet DVD!!
On our way to Monkey Joe's for some unlimited bouncing fun!! Aunt TT, Cody & Grandma & pa Guerra joined in too!! For $5 a kiddo, the children got to bounce for an unlimited amount of time (which our personal cut-off was 2 hrs). There were 6 different bounce inflatables & the kids had a great time. So did the adults! Afterwards we 
Aunt TT took Maci shopping for her birthday & Maci selected a make-up kit & a Barbie that you can put pink highlights in her hair & in Maci's hair. It proved to be a fun time!!!
I love transforming the house for Birthdays, making each child's day extra special!! 
Grandma, Grandpa, Marlena & Maximus blew up 24 purple & pink balloons to decorate her floor. As our lil angel slept we dropped all the balloons on her floor!!
We always open presents before everyone heads off to school/work. We've all been staying up kinda late so getting up on Maci's birthday was a little rough! We had to actually wake our little beast from her slumber. 
Maci loves Polly Pockets & her Cinderella version of Polly. She has a Castle & the Carriage. In the set she is holding she got Prince Charming & more Cinderella outfits!!
Happy Birthday Maci!!
Maci's BFF, Caitlin in Colorado sent her this awesome envelope filled with cool crafts, glitter headbands, & beaded glow in the dark jewelry!! Caitlin always has the coolest neatest stuff!!
Admiring her new princess shoes from cousins Ian, Evan & Taelyn. A girl could never have too many shoes!!
Talking to Grandma Marty on her Birthday.
Maci received a bright red DS & a Pixy Pony (my little pony) Game. She went to her room & I found her on her bed learning her new game!! 
Our little Olivia lover with her hand painted Olivia made especially for her by Eyve Capaz!!
Maci picked out her own Birthday cake a month before her birthday. Yep, that's right! We were at Walmart picking out some rolls in the Bakery when she spotted this castle cake & asked if she could have it for her birthday!! So... I ordered it on the spot! 
The cake was delicious & the kids favorite part was the icing!! 
