“The speech will be like any best man’s speech,…dig him in the ribs a bit and embarrass him – make him lose a bit of hair.”
Prince Harry to Bob Woodruff. Good Morning America, March 31, 2011
Harry, you’re an epic bro and a prince among dudes but your toast is heading into dangerous territory, and not the cool, action hero kind you visit for a living. In fact, Team William and Team Kate could use some schooling on toasts at family weddings. We know you’re thinking, “Who do these Yanks think they are? Australians?” We’ve never been to England or eaten a crumpet. However, Redbox, News of the World, and years of watching Dr. Phil qualify us to help…again (just like WW1 and WW2)
We get it; he’s the first born and the third Windsor standing between you and the crown. It’s only Shakespearian that you want to jab at him. Yet, who’s more beloved than a sibling? We suggest a self help intensive. A dark night of the soul devoted to purging toxicity will free you to display bromantic feelings. Sir Elton will be there, just look into his eyes for support. There’s a knight who knows when to drop his armor.
Pippa, girl, whether you’ll speak at Buckingham Palace or spoke earlier at Kate’s hen party, we hope you’re not too shy to give a maid of honor toast at all. While you’re not marrying a prince (that’ll change if mama has her way), you’re certainly not dropping out of university in a French maid’s outfit so you can bake 21 cakes for Hello! magazine’s 21st birthday, like your brother James. You’re a sweet, loyal kid sister who runs errands in knee-high boots. You’re Anne Hathaway in every romantic comedy except Princess Diaries, but don’t let that make you feel like a commoner. We did our research and came up with an affirmation for you: “I’m the lady in waiting who doesn’t have to curtsy; I’m fragrant, tall and climbing high as a wisteria vine; I come from plane folk-doors to manual!” If you stick with it, we’re sure you could rock Buck House hard. You might become popular!
Props to William for having the Ninth Earl of Spencer speak. E9’s an author and broadcast journalist. He’s also the groom’s late mother’s brother, so he’ll be there to represent. A lame choice would be an uncle who’s notorious for an over the top lifestyle including drugs and prostitutes. That eliminates two. It’d be chill if Fergie spoke, but she’ll be in Milwaukee with the rest of the Black Eyed Peas.
We can’t decide whether it’s better to be Defender of the Faith and Future King of England, or a multimillionaire who owns a direct mail party favor business with his wife and can still get an employee discount on British Airways. Judging by toast difficulty, it would be a tossup.
A father of the bride’s speech offers insight into his daughter. Mike, it’s tempting to just Google her, but the bad press depicts her as a calculating social climber who seduced William with a see-through dress, and the good press portrays her as dull and unambitious. Your challenge is to say something new that reflects the kind of wife, mother, and Queen of England she’ll be. That story about falling down in a roller disco wearing yellow hot pants might be the stuff.
His Royal Highness’ task is to give a light hearted speech discussing his relationship with his son, which up until now has remained one of the great mysteries of the House of Windsor. Obviously they get along, if not, wouldn’t the press report that? Unless that 17th century royal decree making it punishable by beheading is still in effect. Charlie, you’ve been speaking publicly since you were a Little Prince, but then again we heard your secret tape to Camilla regarding a desire to be her feminine product. Talking about your child is different. Ask any teenager.
The fathers should meet for a brew to hash it out. Pub or palace, it’s all good.
And now, the Bridegroom’s toast. If you were a normal guy, Wills, all you’d have to do is thank the bride’s parents for producing a smoking hot babe, then thank the guests for hanging, and finally toast the attendants and give them some swag. Mainly the tax payers of England and your grandma are throwing this shin dig, so we suggest you use most of your speech to thank them. You could write thank you cards to 80 million people, we’re sure they’d be cool with that, but we don’t see that flying with the old lady. Unfortunately, we have no experience toasting HRM. You’re on own for that one, stiff upper lip and Expecto Patronum!
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