A press release should be short, sweet, and to the point. It only needs to address five points, in fact: Who, What, Where, When, and Why.
Who is making the news?
What is the newsworthy item or event?
Where does it happen or become available?
When does it happen or become available?
And Why should anyone care about it?
An opening paragraph for a press release should summarize the main points:
Houston, TX -- April 24, 2005 -- This Sunday, April 24, Michael Martinez pontificates on yet another subject in the High Rankings Forum. SEO advocates and opponents alike are sick of reading this motor-mouth's rantings, but he refuses to go away. Friends and family gather at local disaster shelters to await news of impending riots.
You see the point, I think.
The very first sentence in the press release has to identify what the press release is all about: it has to say Who, What, When, Where, and if possible Why. If you cannot get all five into the first sentence, they have to be touched on in the first paragraph.
Superlatives need to be filtered out. Never say things like, "We proudly announce" or "are proud to announce" or "is the finest", "have the best", "bring you the most", "provide the sweetest", etc.
All you want to do is provide the dreary facts.
To be honest, I don't really see anything in your first draft that works for a press release. A press release is NOT a sales pitch. It is an informative, brief article which encapsulates important facts. It is only supposed to pique people's interest, not persuade them to take any action (other than to request more information).
Here are some excellent resources on writing press releases:
http://www.stetson.edu/~rhansen/prhowto.html
http://www.press-release-writing.com/10_essential_tips.htm
http://www.stetson.edu/~rhansen/press.html
http://www.frugalmarketing.com/dtb/press.shtml
Good luck.
Who is making the news?
What is the newsworthy item or event?
Where does it happen or become available?
When does it happen or become available?
And Why should anyone care about it?
An opening paragraph for a press release should summarize the main points:
Houston, TX -- April 24, 2005 -- This Sunday, April 24, Michael Martinez pontificates on yet another subject in the High Rankings Forum. SEO advocates and opponents alike are sick of reading this motor-mouth's rantings, but he refuses to go away. Friends and family gather at local disaster shelters to await news of impending riots.
You see the point, I think.
The very first sentence in the press release has to identify what the press release is all about: it has to say Who, What, When, Where, and if possible Why. If you cannot get all five into the first sentence, they have to be touched on in the first paragraph.
Superlatives need to be filtered out. Never say things like, "We proudly announce" or "are proud to announce" or "is the finest", "have the best", "bring you the most", "provide the sweetest", etc.
All you want to do is provide the dreary facts.
To be honest, I don't really see anything in your first draft that works for a press release. A press release is NOT a sales pitch. It is an informative, brief article which encapsulates important facts. It is only supposed to pique people's interest, not persuade them to take any action (other than to request more information).
Here are some excellent resources on writing press releases:
http://www.stetson.edu/~rhansen/prhowto.html
http://www.press-release-writing.com/10_essential_tips.htm
http://www.stetson.edu/~rhansen/press.html
http://www.frugalmarketing.com/dtb/press.shtml
Good luck.
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